March 30, 2004
American Marriage (the Family Planning Mentality)
Monsignor Burke gave a recent interview to Zenit.org on his new Scepter book Covenanted Happiness. In the question-and-answer interview, he makes a compelling point about how we view children:
Q: How do children bring happiness to a marriage and to the individual spouses?Monsignor Burke: This century has come to separate and oppose married fulfillment and having children. Many look on marriage just as a tandem affair -- happiness à deux -- in which children are regarded as a possible advantage or a possible hindrance to personal fulfillment. This is fundamentally not to trust God's design for marriage.
Those who marry need to ponder that each child is a totally unique and unmatchable gift to the spouses' union and love. They also need to realize that children challenge each spouse's capacity to love even more than conjugal life does. Only the person who is prepared to face up to the challenges of love will grow in love.
Forty years of emphasis on self-fulfillment or on material comfort have been accompanied by an equal emphasis on family limitation.
Children -- one or two, at the most -- have come to be regarded as "optional extras" for a couple, not as the natural fulfillment of their married aspirations. Job, status, social life, gadgets, vacations, ease and comfort are seen as offering more happiness than children would.
Yet, if one is to judge from the growing number of broken homes, fewer children does not seem to have led to greater married stability, fulfillment or happiness.
Catholic couples, too, have been deeply affected by the family planning mentality, to the extent that a "planned" family is often presented as a norm in pre-marriage instruction. Most of our young people marrying today probably regard natural family planning as a normal part of marriage; many, for whom it was never designed, are experiencing its effects on their married life.
Even Catholics today look to "planning" a family and a potential family size. The monsignor is correct: we need to keep in mind that God is controlling the show. We trust Him with our finances, our health, etc. and we should be trusting Him to give us the right number of children as well. Remember, all is in the hands of God.
God bless,
Jay
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What's wrong with praying for guidance for the right number of kids and stopping when you reach that number? That still puts in God's hands. All good things need to be done in moderation, and Paul's admonitions against marriage are also a valid reason for not having too many kids, by reducing the time we have to spend with each child.
Posted by: Jon Cohen at March 31, 2004 09:37 PMJon,
I think the Bible is clear on two points: every child is a gift from God (not just the children we want) and contraception is a sin. We trust God with everything except the size of our families. I think there's another question here: why did every Christian church condemn abortion as a terrible sin until the 1930's?
God bless,
Jay
I am prepared to believe that the Bible says contraception is a sin somewhere, but I still don't see it. Onan was punished for at least 1)secretly disobeying his father, 2) not fulfilling his duty, and 3) deceiving his brother's wife. The usual comparison to Deut 25:5-10 fails because there it says "if he stand, and say, I like not to take her." Had Onan done that, he would have properly excused himself from his duty. Even then that passage does not talk about the disobedience and deception that Onan committed.
Not having done any research in to what lead the Anglican Church to change, and so many to quickly follow, I can only guess that perhaps factory jobs had made spending time with the family so difficult that it was not always possible to raise a large family properly. I know I can't rely on Massachusetts public education to properly lead my kids, my wife does not have the skills needed for home schooling, and I can't afford very many private tuitions. With a small family I am able to provide my kids with a Christian education.
Posted by: Jon Cohen at March 31, 2004 11:55 PMJon,
Take a look at this article: Contraception and the Bible that I wrote a little while back. It tackles the whole Onan issue.
Basically, Jon, at some point you have to simply trust that God knows better that you (or I) how many children you should have. If you agree that children are always a gift from God, then you must assume He would not give you (a) more than you could handle or (b) so many that it becomes detrimental to them or to your family. It is difficult in modern America - we are very individualistic and often see ourselves as the drivers of our destiny. However, if we completely trust God to give us the money, time, and love necessary to raise whatever children we have, then there is nothing to worry about.
I think it's very interesting that you never hear an elderly person say, "I had too many children - I should have had less." More often than not you hear, "I wish I had had more children." When you give your entire life to God, relying solely on Him to work out issues, problems, etc., you'll be amazed by how He opens doors and fixes problems (not that there is no suffering, but He gives us what we truly "need").
God bless,
Jay
Jon,
Just to add to what Jay and Maria have been saying, the idea that more children will deprive our other children is a cultural fallacy that has been uniquely propagated by the wealthy individualistic Western societies. The Bible tells us that children are like arrows in a man's quiver. Biblical references to the truly blessed nature of a parent with many children are too numerous to count.
I grew up in a family of seven. I now have four children of my own. The vast "wisdom" of the West notwithstanding, my experience is that more children is almost universally conducive to more love. And that really juxtaposes the trade-off. What is more important? Worldly materials and the all powerful hour? Or love between family members?
Will our children have less material goods? Quite possibly yes. Then again I have never seen anything in Scripture suggesting that my goal as a parent is to ensure that my children are financially prosperous. More children means that the other children will need to take additional responsibilities (for the household, their parents, and their siblings). They will have to endure more inconveniences (typically from their siblings). And they will have to get by on less (money, clothes, bedroom space, privacy, toys, etc.). But when you actually think about it and compare it to the various NT epistles, all of these "sufferings" are really the best road to love. They all force our children to go beyond themselves and care more for the needs of others than for their own needs. And that is precisely the message that Christ brings. Conversely, the fewer children one has, the harder it is to find opportunities to instill these qualities.
More children also produces more love between parent and child. The more children I have, the less free time I have. The less I can turn on the television. The less time I can spend down at the bar. The harder I have to work. The more I need to fix all the things they break. The more I have to help build all the various projects. The more time I have to spend teaching them all of those little things in life. The claim that this diminishes time spent with each individual child is a red herring. In the first place, though some quatity is healthy, a glut of "individual attention" is a bad thing, turning the focus of our children on themselves rather than others. Parents who place their children on pedestals will end up with children who are only too happy to stay on that pedestal. Second, more children means that I spend more time with them as a group. This increases the bond between parent and each child, and further exemplifies the supreme importance of the collective family and our unity with one another. And again, all of this unity, together with the additional sacrifice, only increase my devotion to and love for my children. And similarly, the converse is true. Fewer children means fewer opportunities to "suffer" for the sake of my children, more opportunities to segregrate "me time", and the greater likelihood of selfishness. This point need hardly be argued. If you honestly think that Western families in the 21st century are more loving than their 19th century counterparts, I strongly suggest that you pick up a history book (or at least a copy of Laura Ingalls Wilder's books).
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, children increase the bond between husband and wife. I maintain that the best test of the unity between husband and wife is the presence of children. If you truly have Christ in your marriage, the common goal of raising a child will unify the marriage more than anything else. And the more children, the more difficult the task, and the closer it brings you. On the other hand, without Christ in the marriage (and with much selfishness) more children will drive spouses apart because each vies for their own needs and, as resources become more scarce, conflict is inevitable.
More importantly, however, children are the product of a complete unity between husband and wife. They are the ultimate expression of the marital union. What would have happened if Mary had said, "I want to be 'united' to you, Holy Spirit, I just don't want to have your baby because I'm not ready yet"? This is rhetorical, of course, but Mary's real resonse is not. She said, I am the Lord's handmaid. May it be done to me according to your word. She illustrates two things. First, that spousal unity must be a complete self-giving. It holds nothing back. It does not say, "I'm not ready for this or that." It acknowledges that fully self-giving love is procreative by nature (as instituted by God), and accepts this nature as the most supreme human expression of who and what God is. Second, Mary's response recognizes God's role in the spousal unity. Once we have fully given ourselves to one another, what happens after that is up to God. We should not interpose our will; His plans are not always (or even often) our plans. Yet His plans are always superior to ours. Thus, we must acknowledge His supremacy, accept the nature He has given us, and embrace our spouse with arms that truly are open.
In all of this, consider that spousal unity is designed to reflect the unity of the Trinity. The Son is begotten of the Father (just as Eve was taken from the flesh of Adam). The completely self-giving love between the Father and Son produces the Holy Spirit (just as the husband and wife produce a child). The analogy can be further applied to the relationship between Christ and the Church. The offspring in that case are sinners who are baptized into the faith. In either analogy, can you imagine the consequences of one of the two partners denying their procreative powers to the other? It is simply unimaginable. So it should be with husband and wife.
In Christ,
Dave
Interesting topic guys.
Posted by: Jeff at April 2, 2004 07:42 AMDave,
Imagine that, husband and wife denying procreative powers to one another. Did Mary deny Joseph?
God bless
Posted by: SandT@cctv.org at April 4, 2004 06:46 PMSandT,
Joseph was the guardian of Mary. He was referred to in Scripture always as Mary's betrothed or pledged spouse. In other words, no consummation of the marital union. Contraception is about a fake self-giving. Enjoying the pleasure of intimacy without actually being truly intimate. By contrast, the very function of life-long chastity is to hold back intimacy from any human so that it can be given to God alone. In other words, there is no deception, no cheating, no misappropriation of God's gift. The gift is simply never offered to a human; it is offered to God, which is the most honorable use of the gift.
In Christ,
Dave
Dave,
Betrothed is when one is promised to marry someone else. This is an engagement. Mary was referred to as Joseph's wife.
They were married. According to your previous statements, holding out on each other is simply unimaginable.
God Bless
Dave,
Betrothed is when one is promised to marry someone else. This is an engagement. Mary was referred to as Joseph's wife.
They were married. According to your previous statements, holding out on each other is simply unimaginable.
God Bless
Dave,
Betrothed is when one is promised to marry someone else. This is an engagement. Mary was referred to as Joseph's wife.
They were married. According to your previous statements, holding out on each other is simply unimaginable.
God Bless
Hey everyone,
How has God been good to you as of late?
Marc,
I've been really blessed at our Church, due to some out reach drives and the effect of the Passion we have seen an increase in people comming to Christ. It so exciting help someone grow a personal relationship with Christ. We have also started several small group home fellow ship to study and pray together. That along with a all night(9pm - 3:30am)prayer meeting last Friday has made for a good couple of weeks.
Oh yeah back to the kids thing, like all of lifes major decisions you want the Lords blessing on it. If I were marrying a girl, buying a house, taking a new job or moving I would seek the Gods blessing. That being said I would still do research and test those things in my own human way. I don't think that should be seen as sin or defiance. However if the lord imparts on me his will for me to have 7 kids I will have 7 kids. If he wants me to move to Ethopia and take a jobs a farmer, I'll do that too.
Posted by: Stan at April 6, 2004 03:53 PMStan,
Just by being here and breathing, God has been good to me. This past Sunday at church, the pastor was talking about the suffering Christ went through on our behalf. After seeing The Passion and reading more and more Scripture, I realize how good the Lord has been to me.
I am a 3rd year medical student, and I have seen people with addictions, people with mental illnesses, people with chronic diseases and I am grateful because by His grace and mercy I am in good health. The simple things that I used to overlook, I am grateful for, Praise God.
My wife recently got a new job in pharmaceutical sales. She was unhappy at her previous job, so we prayed that the Lord's will be done. God blessed her with a job that provided a salary that is twice as much as her old job. She is now happy and enjoying her new career.
Most of all I thank the Lord because although I am full of flaws and I am imperfect...through Christ I am made perfect. I Praise Him for that.
God Bless
Marc
Posted by: Marc at April 6, 2004 05:01 PMMarc,
Congrats on what the Lord is doing for you and your wife. I know two women in pharmaceutical sales, it is a great field with a lot growth.
I've done limited work with the mentally ill, very hard stuff. It's hard trying explain God and his will for you when you have lost control of your bowels and can not take care of your self. But God is good.
God Bless, Amen to all
Posted by: Stan at April 6, 2004 05:50 PM
