February 2, 2004
Can a Christan Remarry after Divorce? A Biblical Analysis
Divorce rates in the U.S. continue to skyrocket and no one seems to be asking this question. The question I have is: can Christians remarry after a civil divorce? Obviously from a legal aspect they can, but morally are there any grounds by which this is okay?
Many Christian denominations suggest that in the case of infidelity, divorce and remarriage is permitted. I decided to test this theory by analyzing the Biblical evidence. Does God permit remarriage after divorce in the Bible? Let’s look.
The first place we look in the Bible on divorce is always the passage where Jesus discusses the Law just after the Beatitudes. The citation is in two gospels (Matt 5:31-32, Lk 16:18) with only a slight difference well discuss in a minute. Let’s look at Jesus’ comments in Matthew:
Matt 5:31-32. “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of unchastity, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Clearly Christ condemns any type of divorce with the exception of divorces based on “unchastity.” At that time, women who were unfaithful legally received the sentence of death. Interestingly enough, the same quote in Luke does not include the exception. It simply says that any who divorces and remarries commits adultery. So the key seems to surround the word “unchastity” or porneia which we translate in modern America to mean infidelity, but are they the same?
To start, we must understand that all of the other prohibitions against divorce in the Bible include no exemptions – only Matthew includes this exemption (twice). The word porneia used here is not the technical word for adultery, which is moicheia. In addition, a key lies in the fact that some pagan religions of the time required marriages that were condemned under Leviticus 18:6-16. Primarily this passage condemns incestuous marriages between close relatives. This clearly makes sense. So the question remains, did Jesus merely mean infidelity or did he mean to refer to these condemned arrangements? Matthew was a lawyer and considered an expert at language, so he probably would have written moicheia if he intended adultery, but instead he chose a word that more closely ties to incest. The Catholic Church in her wisdom has decided that in the case of infidelity, spouses may separate (civil divorce is only option when significant legal issues arise, for example: the custody of children), however they may not remarry. This is assuming they had a valid marriage before the divorce (one is not permitted to marry more than once). In the time of Christ, those who had an invalid marriage as defined by Leviticus (incestuous), were not “divorced,” but their marriage was defined as invalid. This gave them the option of remarrying (because they never had a valid marriage). Likewise in our times the Church decides certain marriages that have severe malformations may be annulled, or defined as never existing as a valid marriage.
So we understand that some marriages may not be valid due to serious problems when they were begun. But in the case of a valid marriage, it appears that remarriage is not an option. Let’s also look at this passage:
1 Corinthians 7:10-11. To the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband) – and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
This seems to agree: if you divorce or separate from a valid marriage, you should either seek reconciliation or remain celibate. The key lies in the nature of marriage, explained clearly also by the Bible:
Matthew 19:3-6. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together let no man put asunder.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “For your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity [porneia], and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” [Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24]
This event is also in Mark 10:9 without the exception. Note that during Moses’ time, men were killing their wives since divorce wasn’t permitted, which is why Moses eventually allowed it (to stop the wives from being killed). But ultimately the message is the same: if you had a valid marriage, you cannot divorce and remarry without committing adultery.The other interesting aspect of this lies in the “one flesh” imagery. Man and woman become one flesh, which apparently cannot be separated. There is a mystery to this, but it is a beautiful thought: that your love with your spouse entangles you both completely and in a way that cannot be repeated with another person. I think the Bible is clear: remarriage is not an option for those with a valid marriage.
So what should we take away from this? Marriage is a sacred institution not to be taken lightly. We must seriously consider the person we are considering marrying, since this is a singular decision that cannot be changed. Once married, we must commit time and resources to building and improving our marriages. Even in bad situations, remember: God can do all things. If you are having marital problems, I recommend you seek the advice of a local priest. In addition, parents need to actively teach their children the qualities to look for in a spouse. This is likely to be the biggest decision your child will ever make, so make sure they know exactly how to decide on a particular person.
God bless,
Posted by Jay at February 2, 2004 4:58 PM | TrackBack
Jay
Great article. With so many people out there having been remarried, this is a tough topic to discuss publicly, since it affects personally so many. But I do think that unless people begin to take marriage seriously (as the Scriptures talk about), then the problem will not get better, only worse.
Posted by: savrx at February 2, 2004 5:26 PMI really enjoyed your article. I have a problem and am seeking sound Christian advice. I am currently maried and seperated right now. I Have three boys and have been married for 12 years. I was running a youth program and attending Bible college for 5 years.
My problem is this, before I became married and shortly after, i had an affair. I since became a Christian (10 years now) and there wasnt a day that God didnt tell me I had to tell my wife.
Last January my wife started an affair and I discovered this in April. I told her I loved her and forgave her and I undrstood because I did it too. I stayed in the house until Sept. only leaving after several attempts to reconcile and seek councillin, only to have her tell numerous lies and tell me she was in love with the other man.
When I left the home I started a relationship with a girl in sept. and have since moved in with her and have fallen in love with her. I realize now that since my focus is turning towards God that he doesn't want me living with this woman and am convicted by the Holy Spirit by doing so.
I would like to seek a divorce and remarry to help me with my currnet adultery and yes this new woman is divorced as well. I am torn because i feel that God wants me to reconcile my relationship with my wife although she has not in anyway indicated this is something she wants. But i also do not want to hurt this other woman whom I live with and love and want to marry. The house we live in now we recently purchased together and on our own neither one of us would be able to afford it.
Do you or anyone else have any advice please email me at.
rookiesurfer@hotmail.com
thanks and God Bless
Bob
Bob,
This is a very complicated issue that would probably be best handled between you and your priest or pastor. There is no shame in admitting your faults and receiving the forgiveness that you desire. Sin abounds in this situation, but God's grace abounds more abundantly. Times like these help us to realize our smallness and recognize and turn to the infinite mercy of God. May the Holy Spirit continue the work he has begun in you. You will be in my prayers.
In Christ,
Matthew
Bob, talking privately with a priest or pastor would serve you much better than a public forum as they would could better assess your personal situation. I can offer a few general comments based on what you have written:
1. After re-reading your post, I would suggest that you need encouragement more than you need advice. You have already said that you know that God is calling you to seek reconciliation with your wife.
2. To be sure, doing what is right is much more difficult than knowing what is right. I think you already know what is right and are more in need of strengthening than you are of advising.
3. You speak well of Jay's post which says that estranged couples must either reconcile or remain celibate. That you are able to recognize and admire biblical truth even when it hurts speaks highly of your honesty and integrity. A lesser man would simply dismiss Biblical truth when it was inconvenient.
4. The search for true love is a noble one. A marriage reflects the most noble love there is - the love between Christ and his Church. The love between Christ and his Church is faithful, total, free, and fruitful. This love is so noble that it is worth seeking despite whatever pain may be involved along the way. The temptation in this world is to settle for a cheap counterfeit of true love which offers an escape from the pain of true love at the price of degrading all those involved.
5. When Saint Paul invites you to reconcile with your wife or remain celibate, he invites you to love your wife as God loves us. When you remain celibate in response to your wife showing no interest in reconciliation, you glorify and imitate Our Lord who offers himself continually even to those who reject him. Although this kind of love hurts, its glory far outshines the counterfeits of love that would dishonor existing marriage vows through sex outside of marriage.
6. You have an opportunity to display a divine type of love by remaining true to your existing marriage vows. This is kind of love you are called to. This is the kind of love you were born for. This is the kind of love you truly seek. This is the kind of love you can display if you allow God's spirit to work in you. This is the kind of love worth dying for. This is the kind of love for which God died to make possible in your life. This is the kind of love that will endure beyond the end of the earth. This is the kind of love that will save you on the day of judgement. This is the kind of love the lasts forever.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at March 17, 2007 9:13 AMI enjoyed the articles and would like to know what does God say about you if you and your former husband still love each other & are taking vacations together, visiting our children and grands together but my former husband is saying he's not ready to remarry. He is saying that it will take him sometime, our grands are asking question when they come down why are we in separate houses. I know there is another woman in the equation. I love him and we both ask ourselves why did we divorce.
Posted by: Blon at September 6, 2007 7:00 PMBlon,
The Bible makes it quite clear that the best response for separated couples is to seek reconciliation and that celibacy is required before the reconciliation occurs.
Your patience with your husband deserves admiration. If your husband is still mired in the sin of adultery he needs to repent and make some sort of effort to stop committing adultery.
You were created to participate in a love that is faithful, free, total, and fruitful. Your husband's adultery prevents the love between the two of you from flourishing.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at September 8, 2007 9:47 AMBlon
I appreciate your compliments about the site and I don't mean to be rude but have u 2 spoken to your priest? This is not only very personal but it is a sacrament we are dealing with. A marriage is a trinity: husband, wife and God. You need to bring in the 3rd person of the marriage... I encourage u to discuss with your priest if you haven't already.
In Love
when we were one
Posted by: when we were one at September 10, 2007 9:57 AMMarry the woman God wants us all to be happy. It is quite clear that the marriage has failed, you must ask yourself if god would want you to remain single and be miserable or marry and be happy.
Kindest Regards,
John
Posted by: John Ingham at November 2, 2007 10:27 PMI am thinking that there are many situations in which a woman leaves and devorces a man because of abuse. God is about love and I think that would be okay under his love of us.
Posted by: Steve at November 7, 2007 9:32 PMSteve, the Roman Catholic Church does not demand that a woman live with her abusive husband. It does not oppose her seeking safety by leaving him. What it opposes is remarriage without first determining that the marriage was in fact invalid.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at November 11, 2007 3:56 PMI have learned something from the article. Can a pastor divorce and remarry another person because of problems in the marry?
My problem is this....
I am a born again Christian. My wife cheats on me, and she is pregnant now, we don't know If I am the father of that child or not. What should I do? pls give me a biblical advise. thank you
Posted by: Nosh at December 20, 2007 8:55 AMNosh
That is a very complex issue. The answer to all complex issues is Love. To get to Love there are many paths as it sounds you have found. Have you talked with your pastor? counselor?
In Love
when we were one
Posted by: when we were one at December 21, 2007 10:48 AMnosh, I have a similar problem, 9 months ago my hubby had his second affair and we separated, I was 3 months at the time. when I was 6 months preganant he told me his mistress is also pregnant. He is currently living with her. what do I do?
Karolina
I'm saddened to hear of your plight. It must be a very heavy cross for you. Sometimes crosses like this can be consolations drawing us to a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.
That deep confused and frustrated hurt inside your heart can only be fully healed in the company of Christ. When you are abandoned by the one who was to be your soulmate, you are sharing in the suffering abandonment of Christ at the start of his "passion." The Lord has allowed you to participate in sharing this experience.
Beyond my opinions, your issue like Nosh's is very complex. I'm sure there is much more to unpack. This the beauty of the Catholic church (there is one nearby.) There you may find support groups, kindred souls (bearing other or similar crosses) and more appropriately, spiritual counseling.
I would consider talking with the local parish priest and see where his guidance leads you. Before you do that though make sure to talk to Jesus Christ if you haven't already.
I'm praying for you and Nosh.
In Love
when we were one
Posted by: when we were one at February 15, 2008 10:14 AMI am in a slightly different situation in that I have already divorced my husband (4 months back. I filed for the divorce because of his drug addiction, numerous affairs and because I didn't feel loved. He had a diificult time adjusting to married life and I felt I was giving him what he seemed to be fighting so hard for, his freedom.
I have recently asked him if he would consider taking me back and trying again because I still love him dearly and believe God meant for us to be together. I can see how I added to the problem and I believe we can make it work. I believe spiritually you are bound as a married couple and that that bond always exists so if we could possibly make it work I would like the opportunity to do so. He still feels like my husband and I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else because I feel God joined us and I had no right to go mess with that.On our wedding day I promised to stand by him no matter what and feel I didn't and would like a 2nd chance to do so. No marriage will ever be perfect and he's the person I would like to slog through the bad with and experience the highs with. Losing him helped me gain perspective but I'm concerned that I may have lost him for good because of a mistake I made.
After recently speaking to him I have been able to see how he felt through it all and naturally he has concerns about trying again because it never worked the first time. Secondly he is also already living with another woman. He seems torn as he says he still has a special place in his heart for me and he asked for time to consider it but on the other hand he is reluctant to let go of the new relationship in case it doesn't work between us again.
Is there any advise for either or both of us?
I am willing to do what it takes from my side but not sure how long I should wait for him to decide. I don't want him to come back to me just because it didn't work out with someone else.
Posted by: Jean at February 28, 2008 4:00 AMJean wrote:
Is there any advise for either or both of us? I am willing to do what it takes from my side but not sure how long I should wait for him to decide. I don't want him to come back to me just because it didn't work out with someone else.
Your faithfulness under these terribly difficult circumstances is a shining example to all of us. I hope one day I will come closer to demonstrating the same kind of faitfulness that you do.
That being said, your concerns that he comes back to you "just because it didn't work out with someone else" need to be addressed. As a human person whose dignity must be diligently respected at all times. Your husband has repeatedly violated your dignity and if he were to return to you as a "second-best" he would be violating your dignity yet again and you are right to want no part of that.
From what you have said, it doesn't sounds as if he believes he is currently committing a mortal sin and choosing hellfire by being with another woman. He's willing to consider you but he's not unwilling to consider other women either. Based on what you have said, your marriage simply cannot be healed until your husband comes to believe he has done something wrong against you.
The prodigal son was only able to receive forgiveness after he realized he had wronged his family.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at March 2, 2008 10:03 AMMy problem seems to have no solution. I don't know what to do. About a year and a half ago, I committed adultery by sleeping with a married woman, "B", many times (I am not married), which eventually led to divorce. B and myself stayed together, as we fell in love. Several months later we found out B was pregnant. The baby was born about a month ago. Ever since the baby was born, I've been hit HARD with guilt and shame over what we've done. I've repented and asked for forgiveness, but the guilt still hits me. I've studied the scripture and it seems that B and me can never be married to each other, and that B has to remain celibate for the rest of her life. I don't know what to do or what I can do. I don't want our child's life destroyed. Any help or advice is appreciated.
Posted by: Jer at March 16, 2008 4:01 AMJer
Welcome to the site. Indeed you are correct... sin has ruined much however the guilt you are feeling now is grace which can heal.
I am assuming you are Catholic from your perspective. In any event, if B's original marriage is ruled valid by the church then yes there appears to be big problems. However, if B's original marriage was found to be somehow invalid by investigation... then the church would not recognize the original marriage. In any event I implore you to speak with your local priest asap re: this grave situation. As your brother in Christ please take confession if you haven't already and take hope that your soul is responding to God's grace via guilt... that alone is special... now move... get to the priest. I'll pray for you.
In Love
when we were one
Posted by: when we were one at March 17, 2008 10:03 AMJer, if "B" does have a valid marriage then the most obvious course of morally acceptable action would be a difficult one indeed.
Have the two of you considered living together as brother and sister? This would satisfy your thirst to respect God's moral laws and your desire to provide a stable environment for your child.
No doubt taking up this cross would be very difficult - but considering how much Our Lord loves you, it may well be worth bearing this cross.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at March 20, 2008 9:43 AMMy problem is I got married at 21 years now 27 years and the girl I married was my first girlfriend.We have a daughter who is four years.I thought I was ready for marriage but realised that I had succumbed to social pressures.We started having problems soon after our marriage.I left her after a year for some time to serve in the military thinking that this would revitalise our relationship.However, things become worse upon my return.We separated for about a year and got together again thinking may be things would work out.The truth was that things become worse and I have been subject to great abuse and unpleasant restraints on important issues of life including socialising with friend or attending professional seminars.So I left the country and the truth is I cant continue separating.Can anyone advise me from a Christian point of view.I love God and do not want to jeopardise my relationship with him.I am convinced that a divorce is inevitable in this but I dont know how to go about it because I need to get going and start another relationship.
ostape
Posted by: ostape at March 26, 2008 10:52 AMOstape
Welcome to the site. From my Christian perspective, the #1 thing to do is engage heaven in prayer to help you use this experience as a consolation rather than currently the desolative response you have taken. Pray for grace.
#2 Even if you are not Catholic, you may feel free to consult a local priest. There is always a parish nearby somewhere in the world. There you can get a more personalized recommendation. Ask the priest about consolations and desolations.
Halfway down this page is info... the priest will help you apply it.
http://www.catholic.org/encyclopedia/view.php?id=11047
In Love
when we were one
Posted by: when we were one at March 28, 2008 10:50 AMOstape, if you have a valid marriage (though from what you have said there may be cause for doubt - priests are willing to help examine these cases when asked regardless of whether you are Catholic) and wish to maintain a strong relationship with Our Lord, then your only two options are reconciliation or (celibate) separation.
You do not "need to get going and start another relationship". No one "needs" a relationship. The deep ache in your soul for companionship is not an itch that you must compulsively scratch. It is a powerful invitation from God to participate in a love that is free, total, faithful, and fruitful.
Your mistaken belief that you are under some sort of compulsion to be in a relationship appears to have started your marital troubles. Continuing in this mistaken belief will bring you only more grief. A relationship dominated by compulsion is not true love. You were created with a legitimate longing for true love and nothing less.
While this may seem like an unbearable cross at the moment, Our Lord is eager to help you to bear it and is eager to boast to his angels of your faithfulness even in difficult circumstances.
Posted by: Burnt Marshwiggle at March 28, 2008 2:53 PM
